What would she say?

At the end of our first year together, through all the struggles and the questionning of our parenting styles, I'd like to think that my baby would say something like the following if she could.....

The first sound I heard was your heart beat, rhythmically beating and making me feel safe. I love hearing your heart beat; there's something so comforting about it, I cannot describe. When you held me close to your chest, and when I nursed, I could hear your heartbeat and it made me feel so warm and secure.

The first voice I ever heard was yours, even though it sounded a little strange in my first home; I loved hearing your voice whether you were talking or singing; I still do. It makes me feel safe. You kept me warm and secure and when you rubbed your tummy it felt like you were giving me a hug. I was never hungry or thirsty, never cold or scared, never alone and never unhappy.

Then when I came out of my first home, my happy cocoon, I didn't know what was happening. It was cold and big, it was scary and new. There were hands on me and I didn't like it. But I heard your voice, and I was in some warm loving arms, and I knew it was ok. I saw your face, even though it was a little blurry. I wanted to look at your face and imprint it into my mind. I felt safe in your arms as you held me.

You soon fed me precious milk and held me close. I knew that I would know this scent forever; your scent and your yummy milk make me feel safe. You gave me lots of cuddles and you talked to me. 

I didn't know how to tell you when something was wrong....sometimes I was hungry, sometimes I was very tired, sometimes I just needed you to cuddle me. I tried to tell you and I know sometimes you got a bit upset because you didn't know what I was telling you. But you figured it out in the end, because mainly I was happy with a cuddle or yummy milk. 

When you sing to me and talk to me, I love it. I don't like it when you're away from me though. When I can't see you, I sometimes get upset because I miss you and don't know when you're coming back.  I only cry because I miss you very much. Just a few minutes feels like a very very long time to me.  You never leave me for very long, especially if I'm crying. I feel so relieved when I'm back in your arms.

I love our milky cuddles and when you nurse me, I'm all warm and your milk tastes lovely and sometimes, I'm so content, I fall asleep. I love falling to sleep in your arms, snuggled into you. I nurse a lot, but your milk is so good for me, my body uses all its nutrients to help me grow and it's always exactly what I need. Also I have a tiny tummy so I need lots of frequent feeds. I also don't like to feel over-full and I like being able to drink exactly what I need. 

I love it when you put me in the material that you call a wrap, that holds me close to you and straps me to your chest and we go walking around. I like being up high so I can see all the new things. But most of all, I love being close to you; it feels like you're hugging me even though you have your hands free. This is another favourite place for me to fall asleep.

I love these nice soft nappies that don't smell of any chemicals and are soft against my skin. I like that they don't make my botty sore, and that they are pretty. I like that you tell me when you are going to change my nappy, and that we are going to have lunch or go out;  because you always tell me, I now know what is coming and you involve me in everything you do. I know you sometimes have to leave me a few minutes to have your shower, and I know what it means, and I'm sorry I cry when you tell me, but I miss you and it's just my way of dealing with it. I know you'll be back because you always come back and I know you love me. I'm so relieved when I see you again, with that funny towel hiding your hair, wrapeed around your head.

So for all the cuddles, and all the kisses, even when I've woken you up; for all the smelly nappies you've washed; for all the songs you've sung to me; for all the soft words you've whispered into my ear; for all the times you've come to me as soon as I cried and all the lovely milk you give me; for all the times you wrap me into you instead of putting me in the pram, and all the times you play with me; for all the nights we sleep snuggled into each other or holding hands; for not making me drink your milk out of that bottle even though I know you wanted me to; for never letting me cry myself to sleep but for always making me feel loved....thank you mummy. 

A new first

As a parent, you eagerly await each developmental milestone and each "First". The biggies are first smile; first laugh, first time crawling; first time walking. We've not had the walking yet, but we've had the others. Each one was amazing and brought tears to our eyes.

However, we have had another first a few days ago...first time on the swings!! We have been taking advantage of the glorious and unusually hot, sunny weather to have some much needed fresh air, and good dose of vitamin D.


And here she is...













While she was enjoying herself, giggling away, and I was frantically trying to get a good picture, I realised that my little girl is growing up. Her first birthday is nearly upon us, and I can't help but wonder where the time has gone. It's barely conceivable to think that this time last year we'd never even met her. She was just a "bump" kicking away and moving around making my tummy undulate wobble as she moved around. In fact, I didn't even know if she was a she or a he.

It seems like every day she's changing, or doing something new. I'm so blessed to be able to be with her every single day to enjoy every moment of this wonderful time.  I feel like I was born for this : to be Georgia's mummy.  I've always been very ambitious at work and now with maternity leave drawing to a close, the thought of leaving my little girl is horrendous. Work have however, made my next year very easy for me as they haven't left me a job open to return to. I would have to return as the "office dogsbody" in essence which is not going to give me any job satisfaction and is not worth missing out on the beautiful moments with my little girl. I have therefore requested a career break for a year.  Not that I particularly wanted to go back, who does? Plus after petrol and childcare costs, the financial gain of going back is quite small, even part time. But to be honest, any extra cash for the household at the moment would be useful. I'm rather annoyed in one sense that I am pushed into the career break (and there's no way I'm going back as a spare pair of hands for so many reasons), but I will look upon this coming year as an amazing blessing for me, as I get to experience all the new firsts that are to come, instead of a nursery worker or childminder experiencing them and not thinking them amazingly wonderful, and relishing in every laugh and smile, every wave and clap of her hands. And I think of all the hunreds and hundreds of kisses and cuddles that we are going to have! 

Kingdom State of Mind

I wrote this in May 2010...........

There’s a song I really like by Alicia Keys. It’s all about New York and some of the lines are

“Baby, I'm from New York
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do,
Now you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Hear it for New York, New York, “

This singer loves New York; it empowers her; she can do anything – it's where dreams are made. I’ve heard the song lots on the radio, and enjoy singing along to it. Then a few days ago, I found out the title of the song. It’s called “Empire State of Mind”.  I like the title more than I like the song. I think it sums up the song perfectly. However it almost seems too profound or clever for a pop song. If you believe what you see on TV, it seems people in New York do have this state of mind...it’s not just a city, it’s an empire. It’s part of who they are.

This got me thinking about me. As a child of God, there’s nothing I can’t do in Him. I’m part of a bigger and better empire...I’m a part of the Kingdom of God. Therefore, I should have a Kingdom State of Mind. But what is a Kingdom state of mind? Well Jesus is our ultimate example and if we look at Him, we see that He totally had a kingdom state of mind. I was reading in John 5 today about when Jesus was in Jerusalem, and He passed by the pool at Bethesda. There was man there who had been unable to walk for 38 years. That’s a long time. He wanted to get in this pool but he couldn’t. He just sat and watched others get in.
Then along came Jesus. Do you know what Jesus’ first words to this man were when He saw him? “Do you want to become well?” It’s an odd question. This pool was renowned in the time for healings when the water was swirling.

His bed was there – so it is implied that he lived there, or spent a lot of time there. He probably wouldn’t have been able to travel there each day as he couldn’t even get himself in the pool. He obviously had no friends/family or they would have helped him get in the pool. He was there because he wanted to get in the pool and get well. But Jesus asked him first if he wanted to be well. He then told him to get up, pick up his bed and walk. Simple. Done. Healed.

But Jesus knew this would cause controversy. It was a Sabbath. Jews can’t do anything that constitutes work on a Sabbath, and picking up your bed is clearly a no-no as the Jews were asking why he had done such a thing on the Sabbath. Now Jesus wanted to be sure the man wanted his healing more than his religious rituals. The man was a Jew – we know this because Jesus found him shortly afterwards in the Temple. So the man knew he had to do whatever Jesus said if he wanted his healing. Even if it meant going against the Jewish customs. Jesus was a Jew – only a few chapters before in John chapter 2 He stormed into the Temple and cleared all the market traders and money exchangers away. He knew the law. He respected the law and the Temple. But He has a Kingdom State of Mind, not a religious state of mind. He loved people above all else. This is a main trait of having a Kingdom State of Mind.

Jesus healed on the Sabbath a lot. He went to eat with sinners and tax collectors. Wherever He went, He surrounded Himself with people that the Jewish leaders wouldn't mix with and He displayed God’s love for people above anything else. One of the most famous verses in the Bible, John 3 v 16 is the best example of Kingdom state of mind. This is from the Message translation and if we can begin to develop an understanding of this, we can begin to renew our minds too...to have a Kingdom State of Mind. It’s not about judgement and law. It’s all about love:

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted”

If we keep this in the centre of our heart....that God gave His Son for you, me, the person next door, the person at work, the person who just cut you up at the roundabout.....He came not to judge them, but to love them and make them whole and bring them to Himself. When we get this in our heart truly, then we’ll begin to develop a Kingdom State of Mind. We’ll declare Jesus, and His Word in everything we do; we’ll know nothing is impossible with God....we’ll be a light in the darkness, inspiring others to be all they can be in Him. Our praises for God will go forth and be louder than any anthem the world offers.

The most amazing day of my life pt 2

I was glad to be on maternity leave. I'd been having a few braxton hicks end of May, and every twinge I was wondering if this was it. It's a very weird time at the close of pregnancy. Each day you wonder 'is it going to be today?'  However, it had gone quiet for a few days.  It was very warm and the weather was gorgeous. On the Friday afternoon, I went for a long walk around the marsh, and was basking in the sunshine and enjoying my huge bump and getting a bit of fresh air.  I couldn't really walk far, or do much as I got tired really quickly.  I took quite a few sit downs on my walk but I was out for a while. 

My waters broke early Saturday morning, 4^th June 2011, as I turned over in bed...they went pop! It was around 4.30am. Problem was I saw they weren’t clear; they were a weird browny green colour. I had read about this - it looked like baby had opened her bowels. This can be a sign that baby is in distress. I was amazingly calm and didn’t panic, and just tried not to think about anything but getting safely to the hospital. I was terrified, but I was too terrified to panic or cry, and I just kept very calm.

We very quickly got cleaned up and got to the maternity assessment unit and baby was monitored. Baby seemed fine – I was so relieved. My waters kept leaking...I can’t believe how much fluid there was.  I started very quickly with mild contractions. They hoped labour would start & contracts get regular. Unfortunately, they didn’t get regular.

So after a few hours, they took me to a delivery room where they induced me. This brought on very painful contractions and I decided on an epidural. The anaesthetist had just gone to surgery so this was delayed for ages. Then when I got it, I still felt contractions. I had a boost but it didn’t work.  Anaesthetist was again in theatre when the midwife asked him to come back. He finally came out and gave me a different kind of injection which worked for about 2 hours max then wore off.  It was very painful.

I was shattered as I had been in pain pretty much from getting to the hospital and was hoping the epidural would let me get some rest. But we were in the early hours of the next morning by now and they examined me and I was nearly ready to push.

Problem was, the epidural had taken effect (not where I needed it) and I couldn’t feel the sensation to push, and therefore didn’t know how or where to push.

The midwife guided me through and after an hour of pushing with no head in sight, they brought in the Dr’s. The Dr’s said there was a chance of C-section but they wanted to try forceps first.

By this point, I was so tired, and in so much pain, I was barely aware of what was going on. I signed the forms and got sent to theatre, prepped ready for a C-section just in case.

However, we managed to deliver by forceps and I escaped a c-section.  When they told us it was a girl I could barely believe it. It was 6.18am Sunday 5^th.   I was euphoric, but all the drugs had made me vomit and that time in recovery was spent throwing up, when I should have been having my skin-to-skin with her. Daddy had lots of cuddles with her though and they gave me an anti-sickness shot and I felt a bit better then. We did get some skin to skin though eventually.

After the birth I got sent to a ward and it was all a bit weird as I was completely numb from the waist down. I didn’t manage to sleep and I was so tired I can barely even remember what happened that day!

The most amazing day of my life pt 1

Well, the most amazing day of my life has to be the day my gorgeous little girl, Georgia Grace was born.
But I'm going to start a little earlier and first of all recount my BFP (that's a Big Fat Positive pregnancy test).

H & I were planning a trip to Paris in the October. It had been planned for ages as it was my mum's 50th and she and dad were going on the Orient Express from London to Venice. We were originally going to go on the OE with them and get off at Paris. But for various reasons, our plans changed and we were going through the tunnel on the Eurostar. So we had had this planned for well over a year.

I was so excited about going to the capital city of romance and culture. I spent the summer researching all the tourist spots and where we definitely wanted to go.   I had put on a bit of weight since we got married, so I wanted to loose it, and wanted to look good for going to Paris so I started going on the treadmill for 30 mins each night after work. I had a bit of a love-hate relationship with the treadmill: I hated the thought of going on, but once I was on, I really enjoyed it. 
As the trip was looming I decided I definitely didn't want a period whilst I was in Paris, so thought I'd switch to the pill. We definitely didn't want to get pregnant either. I have to admit, I never really wanted children. I have never felt maternal and always felt rather awkward around other people's children. I don't know what to say to them or how to relate to them.

Anyway, it was September, and I was a bit late. I've never been regular really so it wasn't a big deal. Although, lately I had been a little more regular in my cycle. I had been feeling a little tired at work and thought I might have a virus. As the days ticked by, I bought a pregnancy test just out of curiosity. I thought it was pretty impossible to be pregnant but I just wanted to put my mind at ease. So I bought one, and did the test and it was negative.
Still the days ticked on and there was no visit from the terrible Aunt Flow. H and I joked about it (the fact that I was late) but I assured him I wasn't pregnant. I'd done the test.

Anyway, one Wednesday morning (13th October 2010 to be exact), I had this nagging feeling and there was two testers in the pregnancy test I'd bought, so I did the other test before I went to work, but after H had left.  Well, you guessed it, it was positive!
There was part of me, deep deep down, that kind of knew. I don't know how and it's difficult to describe. But there was part of me that was pretty darn shocked. Especially as the other test was negative. I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I needed to process this information, I needed to tell someone. But I couldn't tell H over the phone. Plus, I had to get to work. And I had to put myself on to a train for a team meeting in Manchester. Good grief, how would I concentrate? Well, I was definitely not going to Manchester today. I just couldn't.  I made my excuses that I needed to see the doctor. And I did...I got myself and appointment that day. It was a proper waste of time though. I only went because I wasn't sure what happened next. I assumed they'd do another test, then perhaps book me a scan and a midwife appointment. But she took my utter astonished face and demeanour to conclude that I might not want to proceed with the pregnancy. But for all my previous protestations about not wanting a child, I was actually happy. No scratch that, I was excited, and very happy! And petrified.

So after my useless Dr's appointment, I went back to the office. Yay.  I had to tell my colleagues that I had a virus.  The working day finally ended and I went home and started doing something very mundane like folding and putting away some clean washing.   H came in and came up to me in the bedroom. I told him that for my mum's birthday meal next week, I would drive (we'd said previously he would drive so I could have a drink). He said "no love, I'll drive, you have a drink". I then said I couldn't drink.....and he got the idea.
He was of course, over the moon and from that point on, I became more and more excited and happy and ecstatic.

It's strange how quickly I got used to the idea of being pregnant. I very quickly became very protective of my tummy. When we were in Paris, we learnt that Parisians have little concept of personal space. I spent the whole time protecting my tummy from stray elbows/bags etc. And I felt so sick whilst I was there. I caught a cold too whilst there as the Parisians also seem to be very dirty and don't cover their mouths when coughing/sneezing. I felt rough. The cold lasted a while and turned into a really bad cough which I had until January!!!  I wasn't able to really take any medication with being pregnant so it was a rough few months.

Looking back now, I do wish I'd kept a pregnancy journal as it was such a special time. I got weekly emails from various sources which told me what to expect that coming week and how my little pip was growing and developing. It was very exciting.  I actually loved my bump, although it was very bizarre having this growing tummy. I didn't enjoy the constant waking in the night to have a wee, and the indigestion. It was difficult to get comfy so I bought a 6ft pillow to curl around me and the bump which took up most of the bed!

The last 2 months were actually the worst. We had a warm spell in May and it was very uncomfy. I was hot anyway, and I kept getting very hot at work and I was counting the days to my maternity leave as I was tired. The bump was heavy! My lower back hurt, and I have pelvic pain too. I also desperately wanted to meet the baby. Not knowing whether it was a boy or girl was starting to get to me. I was sort of glad we hadn't found out at the 20 week scan, but now, I felt like I'd been pregnant forever. I'd got to the stage where I could barely remember what it was like to be able to cut my toenails (or see my toenails!), and put my socks on. It's amazingly difficult to do simple tasks. Cleaning through the house took all day, whereas I could usually have everything done in a morning. Oh, and the cleaning...I wanted to clean EVERYTHING. I bleached the utility room one day - walls and everything. They call it the nesting instinct and wow, it was uncontrollable. We did have a huge period of time where I couldn't do anything as we had some leaks and had to have the ceiling in the hall replaced and ended up having the lounge redecorated and new carpets. It was a nightmare because we basically had to live in the kitchen and bedroom for weeks.

The strangest thing though was feeling her move and kick. As she got bigger, you could see her moving around which was freaky! She was so active. You could see the kicks just looking at my tummy. I didn't have any cravings really but I did have a craving to smell certain smells. It was new car smell, car mats and turps. Strange things but it was overwhelming. It was like an addiction and I do admit, I bought a set of new car mats and just sat and sniffed them each evening. I couldn't help it....the midwife said it was perfectly normal. Never ever in my life had I had such a craving. It was like a drug: I was addicted.  It took months and months after the birth for the craving to subside. I didn't sniff car mats once she arrived however, because I was too busy. But I would have done if I could. And if I'm passing the car section in the supermarket, I can't resist a quick sniff even now! I was slightly worried that my baby was going to have an addiction to car mats, but I'm happy to say she's never asked for one to have a sniff of!

So that's my BFP and some of my pregnancy.

Best place to start... The Intro

Just an intro, but firstly, thank you for visiting my page. Welcome to Oatcake Times!

My name is Fran, I'm a mummy, a Christian, a wife, and fellow traveller on this journey called life.  This is a place for me to share my thoughts and musings on all sorts of things.  I'm from the Potteries in Stoke on Trent, where our best kept secret is the Staffordshire Oatcake (a sort of savoury pancake which is best served wrapped around bacon, cheese, sausage & beans with a good dollop of HP sauce). That's where the title comes from. You could call me the First Lady of the Oatcakes (no, I don't make them or sell them...I just like eating them).  Or Fran will do just as well.....

I've previously had a blog where I've written mini preaches because I have had a revelation or "spiritual dowload" and had to get it all out. I will be bringing those entries on to this blog, along with new ones. I also keep a sort of diary, which I started doing at the beginning of the year so that I could keep a track of where my days go (they seem to fly by). I also want to keep a record of what me and my little girl have got up to, and when she had her first trip to the zoo / ride on a bike / trip to the seaside....etc etc.  So, I will also be sharing some snippets of daily life with my little girl. Maybe one day she'll enjoy reading what her old mum has written?

I've always loved writing so this new age of blogging where there's a platform for anyone and everyone to say and share whatever they want, seems quite ideal for someone like me. 

So the Christian stuff....yes, I'm a Christian and not ashamed of it. I believe in relationship, not religion. To have a relationship with God is the most important thing in anyone's life and first and foremost that is why we are here. We were created in God's image and likeness to be His family. That's the meaning of life. It's quite simple; there is no greater love or fulfillment than being in God's presence and to be aware of His awesome love for us. Because He loves us, He wants the best for us. I believe the Bible is true and is His word. It's not an old, antiquated book which you need a Theology degree to understand. I enjoy reading the Bible, and hopefully some of my posts may give you a glimpse into why I think the Bible is actually the best book (technically, it's a collection of books, but I won't be too pedantic) on the planet. In a nutshell though, it's the best book on the planet because it's God's own love letter to you. In it, He's given us a guide of how to live our best life; He's shown us His plans and purposes; He's shown us His heart.  So for any non-Christians who may stumble across this blog, I simply pray that some of my words may help you get a glimpse of some of the wonderful nuggets and gems that He's hidden in there for us.